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Funny Quotes

Isn't it funny that anything the Supreme Court says is right?

Robert Frost
6,785
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Me fail english? Thats unpossible.

Matt Groening
4,248
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There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened. -Douglas Adams
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Erma Bombeck
1,156
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Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Erma Bombeck
1,136
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. -Erma Bombeck
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You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.

George W. Bush
826
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I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Stephen Wright
393
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. -George Carlin
364
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I used to have a sign over my computer that read OLD DOGS CAN LEARN NEW TRICKS, but lately I sometimes ask myself how many more new tricks I want to learn. Wouldn't it be easier just to be outdated?

Ram Dass
332
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

Stephen Wright
321
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. -Rodney Dangerfield
286
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It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

Popular Saying
284
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I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper
284
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Garry Shandling always said to me,'Don't get mad, get funny.' It changed my life. -Rip Torn
283
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If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Dan Castellaneta
283
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I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Dan Castellaneta
282
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Underwear. It's like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked. -Pete Wentz
278
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Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.

Joe E. Lewis
276
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Health Canada reports that the infection rate for chlamydia in Saskatoon is twice the national average, making it the chlamydia capital of Canada. Montreal has vowed to get their title back.

Rick Mercer
275
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Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail. -Dan Castellaneta
275
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I said 'George, if you want to end world tyranny, you have to stay up later.' Nine o'clock and Mr. Excitement here is in bed, leaving me to watch 'Desperate Housewives' with Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife.

Laura Bush
270
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Action, Ability and Awareness (in that order) the 3 keys to success.

Joshua Estrin
259
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I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did. -Jeff Foxworthy
250
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If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates.

Howard Zinn
249
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Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Robert Orben
249
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The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films. -Paul Newman
246
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Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld
245
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We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

Bill Vaughn
241
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My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. -Jack Handy
234
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