Isn't it funny that anything the Supreme Court says is right?

Robert Frost

Me fail english? Thats unpossible.

Matt Groening

There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.

George W. Bush

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

Stephen Wright

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

George Carlin

I used to have a sign over my computer that read OLD DOGS CAN LEARN NEW TRICKS, but lately I sometimes ask myself how many more new tricks I want to learn. Wouldn't it be easier just to be outdated?

Ram Dass

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

Stephen Wright

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

Popular Saying

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Tommy Cooper

Garry Shandling always said to me,'Don't get mad, get funny.' It changed my life.

Rip Torn

If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Dan Castellaneta

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Dan Castellaneta

Underwear. It's like a goddamned leash. It also constantly reminds me of how funny I look naked.

Pete Wentz

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.

Joe E. Lewis

Health Canada reports that the infection rate for chlamydia in Saskatoon is twice the national average, making it the chlamydia capital of Canada. Montreal has vowed to get their title back.

Rick Mercer

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.

Dan Castellaneta

I said 'George, if you want to end world tyranny, you have to stay up later.' Nine o'clock and Mr. Excitement here is in bed, leaving me to watch 'Desperate Housewives' with Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife.

Laura Bush

Action, Ability and Awareness (in that order) the 3 keys to success.

Joshua Estrin

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

Jeff Foxworthy

If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates.

Howard Zinn

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Robert Orben

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

Paul Newman

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Jerry Seinfeld

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

Bill Vaughn

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth - that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him.

Jack Handy

It was like a heart transplant. We tried to implant college in him but his head rejected it.

Barry Switzer

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.

Will Rogers

I speak two languages, Body and English.

Mae West

Last time I saw him he tried to murder me. But when you're trying to kill someone by chopping their head off, rolling them up in a carpet and lighting it on fire, you better make sure they're dead!

Colin Mochrie

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself-like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Jean Kerr

You expect me to believe, that scantily-clad, in the arms of another man, in the middle of the night, in an elephant you were rehearsing?

Moulin Rouge

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

Ashleigh Brilliant

The best way to lose weight is to develop an orthodox belief in some religion that doesn't allow any fun.

Gregory Nunn

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!

Monty Python

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Jay Leno

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Dan Castellaneta

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Tommy Cooper

I want to start by saying something nice about President Bush. Of all the presidents we've had with the last name of Bush, his economic plan ranks in the top two.

Senator John Kerry

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Tim Allen

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.

Jim Bishop

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Calvin and Hobbes

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

Jay Leno

Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?

Jay Leno

We are no longer the knights who say ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

Monty Python

After God, long live wine.

Rosalia De Castro

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

David Letterman

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Brooke Shields

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Jerry Seinfeld

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Ogden Nash

Here's to alcohol: the cause of, and answer to, all of life's problems.

Matt Groening

According to this week's Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently he likes working out because it 'clears his mind.' Sometimes it works a little too well.

Jay Leno

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Joan Rivers

It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!

Sex And The City

A man never feels more important than when he receives a telegram containing more than ten words.

George Ade

I would like to apologize for referring to George W. Bush as a deserter. What I meant to say is that George W. Bush is a deserter, an election thief, a drunk driver, a WMD liar, and a functional illiterate. And he poops his pants.

Michael Moore

Shit is the tofu of cursing.

David Sedaris

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

Clarence Darrow

A large nose is the mark of a witty, courteous, affable, generous and liberal man.

Cyrano De Bergerac

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

Dave Barry

You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOU'RE PANTS!!!

Denis Leary

If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn't swim.

Margaret Thatcher

The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing.

Ben Okri

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx

Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help.

Calvin and Hobbes

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

Dave Barry

Eggs have no business dancing with stones.

Italian Proverb

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Groucho Marx

I don't plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Rita Rudner

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"

Will Rogers

I figured out Karl Rove's political strategy -- make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls."

Senator John Kerry

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.

George Bernard Shaw

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

George Bernard Shaw

Funny how the new things are the old things.

Rudyard Kipling

Being friendless taught me how to be a friend. Funny how that works.

Colleen Wainwright

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Bill Hicks

But we didn't do it as clumsily as they've done it, I can tell you that. Isn't it funny that this doesn't appear to be any kind of surreptitious effort here.

Grant Goodman

Most fishermen look at you funny when you offer to pay them for fish guts.

Dr. Janine Caira

They were always funny, ... She could always make me laugh.

Amy Wilson

Only man has dignity; only man, therefore, can be funny.

Ronald Knox

I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie.

William Friedkin

It's good to be funny when you are a comedian.

George Lindsey

I think it's very funny that someone would exaggerate to make himself look worse.

David Leavitt

Then the Depression came along, and rich playboys and flappers weren't funny anymore.

Dean Young

The cast and crew are funny and it's fun to work with them. They're all creative, especially the costume people.

Jake Edwards

It's funny, because if Tom Petty or R.E.M. came out today, they'd be alt-country.

Rhett Miller

It's funny, because it was my first time ever in that pool, too.

Casey Fossum

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.

Arnold Palmer

He's been great to be around. But it still seems a little funny.

Mike Pelfrey

For years I mimicked the 'doors closing' lady because it was funny, but I never dreamed I would be doing this.

Randi Miller

It's funny when you start off, and things are going well, you think they are going to continue every year.

Joe Nash

It was a funny year. I could have made syrup in January.

Thelma Miner

We have so many injuries at Woodland it's almost comical. Without it being funny at all.

Jeff Nesbitt

I didn't think some of the comedy was current enough to be funny today.

Garry Marshall

You've got to give him a lot of credit to birdie 17 like that. The wind was doing funny things, but he always finds a way.

Morris Hatalsky

It's funny that we are performing like them and are clean as a whistle. It's a nice comparison.

Leisel Jones

Lt. Steven Hauk: Sir, in my heart, I know I'm funny.

Good Morning Vietnam

They'll cite an incident - that I saw Barney in their ear - or some funny incident.

John Norris

Jon is the epitome of a perfect host - smart, engaging, irreverent and funny.

Gil Cates

It's a bit like the one-day cricket, the first time somebody runs on to the field it's funny, but after a while it's not amusing.

Ray Murrihy

He was always a really funny dude; then to see something like this happen to him really hurts. It was really sad around school those first few days.

Pryce Underwood

She said, 'I just love the guy in the glasses,' ... 'He's so funny.' .

Suzanne Lloyd

Kind of funny how that works.

Anthony Gonzalez

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Peter Ustinov

I really like the sheriff's street act. It's so funny.

Anna Brown

It's really, really funny.

Scott Stone

Here's my advice: Go ahead and be whacky. Get into a crazy frame of mind and ask what's funny about what you're doing.

Roger Von Oech

He was so funny, one of those pictures is of my 13th birthday the summer before he was killed.

Nancy Taylor

It's funny; the two teams we've got the most exposure on are the Vikings and the Raiders.

Robert Walker

It's funny when someone says to you 'you're hot' and all that, because I don't think of it in that way.

Kate Winslet

In a funny kind of way, they were very feminist.

Simon Doonan

It's funny the city treats these trees the way they do. They are assets to the city.

Jason Sweeney

The crowd really embraces me when I come here. It's kind of funny being on the road.

Andre Iguodala

And he's funny. He's disarmingly funny.

Michael Davies

I didn't leave much room ... It's kind of funny how it's working out.

Justin Upton

It's a funny thing. (W)hen the Democrats are in the majority, the Democrats run Congress. When the Republicans are in the majority, the Democrats still run Congress. How does that work?

John Hinderaker

It's really funny. You have your regular job, and then you get the call that you have to go put on your cape and go play music again.

Simon Horrocks

Again, it was funny how many problems Shaq had against 6'8.

Ben Wallace

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

Will Ferrell

Truly, we never had the first argument, ... He was very funny, smart, well-spoken, and most of all, dedicated.

Herb Elliott

That is funny. Of course, the bigger scoop will be if we hear something from Jesus .

Robert Stanley

She was real sweet. She was funny and outgoing.

Melissa Taylor

Well, she's very different from me; beating up one's children is something we definitely do not have in common. The funny thing is, my mother always says that I'm playing her. Let's see what she says after seeing this!

Phylicia Rashad

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

Steve Martin

It's funny, 'cause when you have a really tough discipline problem, sometimes you bring them to Barbara.

Karen Meredith

That's what acting is about, ... Funny wigs and voices, that's what we do.

Cillian Murphy

I can't be funny if my feet don't feel right.

Billy Crystal

He's dating again, ... He's out there and it's comparatively a breeze for him, at 71, of course, because he's a guy. We deal with that in the movie, and it is quite funny.

Diane Lane

It's funny, but touching ? a good way to say goodbye.

Ron Kaminski

It's funny, isn't it? How your best friend can just blow up like that?

Monty Python

There's things about the game which make it challenging and make it funny.

Michael Moyer

Whatever I thought was funny was kept in there. People definitely (got) into it.

Adam Yauch

It's funny to see him running around, passionate about something besides baseball.

Nicole Jones

She went for a lay-up and came down kind of funny.

Lisa Abron

We're so far ahead of last year, it's not funny. This can be the year we challenge for the conference title.

John Sparks

The funny things they come up with.

Chris Stakes

It's kind of funny, my left leg feels stronger than my right leg.

John Tait

Life was a funny thing that occured on the way to the grave.

Quentin Crisp

There was something funny about it, ... Ten minutes into the flight, the oxygen containers dropped. Then I knew something was wrong.

Paul Lukas

Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that's why I don't have a boyfriend.

Lucy Liu

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.

Richard Lester

She's funny that way. I think when you have a chronic disease since you were a child, you put things in a different perspective. She doesn't get caught up in the same things other girls do.

Britt Crennell

She was pretty and you never expected a pretty woman to be that funny. She didn't care that she was pretty.

Carl Reiner

It's funny, ... how fathers especially are indifferent to risk to yourself, but very sensitive about risk to your family.

Dr. Michael Harris

It's funny, because when I first met Andrei, I never thought that we could make something happen in Russia.

Barry Adamson

He's like the Muhammad Ali of football. Muhammad Ali was the trash-talker of boxing. It's funny, though. It really is.

Charles Tillman

SNL. There was always stuff firing back and forth. We were laughing all the time. It was just constant funny stuff.

Lou Blue Marini

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Frank Carson

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

David M. Ogilvy

I was told that they wanted to head in a different direction, which was pretty funny.

Steve Bender

The public votes with their wallets and this is an affirmation that funny is money.

Chuck Viane

She is the best kid in the whole world. She is bright, smart, funny, and she is so outgoing.

Jane Lawrence

He was a very nice guy, funny. Everybody liked Daniel because he was just funny.

Judy Shepherd

I go to the food pantry. I applied for food stamps, but only $10 a month which was kind of funny.

Sher Myers

And remember, it's also very funny, because side by side with grief lies joy.

Fran Drescher

Working with these guys, they all have a few things in common. They're all really funny, they're all very intelligent and very magnetic.

Cheryl Hines

She's just funny about accolades, ... She would say, 'I haven't done anything out of the ordinary.'

Martha Roberts

We were trying to joke around as much as possible. Well, as much as you could in that . . . eventually it got really not funny.

Steve Jocz

He was just such a funny guy.

Anthony Adams

Falling off buildings is easy. The hard part is being funny on stage.

Jerry Woods

I think it's a funny way to show your allegiance to a candidate.

Pat Steele

It's funny because you're giving kids an opportunity to be out when they're not supposed to be, so it's festive.

Don Howell

It is not funny or humorous or like a Disney film. It is not a Herbie or a Cinderella Story.

Jesse Mccartney

What is challenging is to be organically funny without being disrespectful.

Kathy Najimy

I'm not funny. What I am is brave.

Lucille Ball

The price of gasoline - well, no, but that would be a funny thing to say. I just want to do something new.

Kevin Haley

We believe the movie is really commercial and the kids will really like it, because they will be able to relate to it. The movie is wildly funny.

Joel Silverman

That's funny, coming from you.

Robert Daskas

IE 7 is a pretty good catch-up. But it does some funny things with tabs and the UI that I don't understand why they did it.

Mike Schroepfer

It's funny because depending on the day or where we are, my favorite surfer is either Andy or Bruce.

Kelly Slater

It's your worst nightmare. They were just so funny.

Janet Naylor

It's funny that this research got started by something we didn't see.

Imke De Pater

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'

Isaac Asimov

If you can't be funny, be interesting.

Harold Ross

The funny thing is, they would listen.

Brenda Roethlisberger

It has been a little difficult to get into character, but it's also been really fun. Martine gets to do all of the crazy things I'm usually too reserved to do, so it's freeing. She is funny; I'm not.

Portia Carryer

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny -Did you ever try buying them without money?

Ogden Nash

They like him for the simplest of reasons: One of them said to me, 'Because he's funny,' .

Howard Sounes

We like doing things independently; we're just into making clothes that are funny and comfortable.

Tyler Rancourt

He saw a familiar face and he turned around and had his hand out, and I had my hand out. But then I caught myself. It was funny.

Trenton Hassell

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

W. Somerset Maugham

And you know how funny he was, right?

Charlie Brill

They sure looked at us funny when we checked out.

Jim Kramer

She was funny, and the best thing about her is that she was a nice person. Literally, I have never heard anyone say a bad thing about her, nor have I heard her say anything bad about somebody else.

Rachel Tanaka

We've been thinking of stuff to say that's funny all day and we've come up with nothing.

Ricky Wilson

It was funny when they wanted the life cycle left up there so they would recognize the chrysalis.

Robin Tucker

It was funny because he was probably right.

Ricky Barnes

It's so funny, the way we found out about it.

Chaunce Hayden

It's funny. I have more trouble picking quarterbacks than I do linebackers.

Gary Campbell

He's really funny. He doesn't make light of cancer, but he laughs at himself.

Sherry Abraham

The thing about Brandon that's funny is he's the nicest guy in the entire world.

Jessica Evans

It's funny but parents are always worried about their kids first.

Kevin Na

I think it's funny. [on a T-shirt which read 'I.

Nicky Hilton

We hope he's OK. You don't wish this on anybody. ... The athletes are very unlucky and this is not funny for Austria. It's very sad that this happened.

Raimund Fabi