Groucho Marx
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"Julius Henry" ""Groucho"" "Marx" was an American comedian and film and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and widely considered one of the best comedians of the modern era. His rapid-fire, often impromptu delivery of innuendo-laden patter earned him many admirers and imitators.

He made 13 feature films with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, most notably as the host of the radio and television game show You Bet Your Life.

His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, glasses, cigar, and a thick wikt:greasepaint/greasepaint mustache and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the world's most ubiquitous and recognizable novelty disguises, known as "Groucho glasses": a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows and mustache.

If you enjoy these quotes, be sure to check out other famous comedians! More Groucho Marx on Wikipedia.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I'll never know.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Here's to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet!

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the party.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school!

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!

I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

You are only as old as the woman you feel.

Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.