Emo Philips
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"Emo Philips" is an United States/American entertainer and comedian born in the Chicago suburb of Downers Grove. Much of his standup comedy stems from the use of paraprosdokians and garden path sentences spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice and a confused, childlike delivery of his material to produce the intended comic timing in a manner invoking the 'wisdom of children' or the idiot savant.

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How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.