If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
"George Denis Patrick Carlin" was an American comedian, social criticism/social critic, actor, and author. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and his thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. Carlin and his "Seven dirty words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 Supreme Court of the United States/U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision by the justices affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the Radio waves/public airwaves.If you enjoy these quotes, be sure to check out other famous comedians! More George Carlin on Wikipedia.
A distressing gap exists between the public's expectations for retirement and the reality.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
At my age, 62, I have no grand illusions about a career in show business. But after all these years, this is a wonderful trophy. I really feel terrific about it. This says a real and legitimate record company values our work.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Developers must look at integrated impacts that do not stop at the boundary lines of their properties.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
We've produced CDs of our own over the years. But this is a real record contract. Collectables is taking the risk.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that ...
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'
One of the ways to chip away at the financial literacy problem in our country is to get to the kids early and let them develop positive behaviors and attitudes.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Your grandchild understands that money can grow with something called interest. That's a powerful concept for a 5-year-old.
Its never just a game when you're winning.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
Dennis saw our Web site, and doo-wop music is a hot commodity on the East Coast. With our contract, Collectables will license, manufacture, advertise, promote and distribute the album. We then get a percentage of every piece sold.
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Keep thy religion to thyself.
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Life.....is a series of dogs.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.