Erma Bombeck
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"Erma Louise Bombeck" was an United States/American humorist who achieved great popularity for her newspaper column that described suburbia/suburban home life from the mid-1960s until the late 1990s. Bombeck also published 15 books, most of which became bestsellers. From 1965 to 1996, Erma Bombeck wrote over 4,000 newspaper columns, using broad and sometimes eloquent humor, chronicling the ordinary life of a midwestern suburban housewife. By the 1970s, her columns were read twice-weekly by 30 million readers of the 900 newspapers in the United States/U.S. and Canada.

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Worry is like a rocking chair: It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

I told you I was sick.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.