Dave Barry
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"David McAlister "Dave" Barry" is a Pulitzer Prize-winning American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally Print syndication/syndicated humor column for The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comic novel/comedic novels.

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People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

As long as humanity has been human, it has looked toward the heavens and dreamed that some day, some way, there would be giant federal contracts involved.

At the time, it was the right thing for our team. We think we made ourselves better in the long run and it helped build the team we have now.

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *and* fresher breath.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells . . . to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if we felt like it.

On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays: fear.

We always seem to play well against the good teams in the league so we're confident when we bring our best game that we can do well against anybody. But our special teams have to be better than they were (yesterday).

We're happy we won 7-1, but momentum can change in five minutes.

If you give David Bolland five seconds in the slot like that, he's probably going to get off a pretty good shot. It's a little frustrating to come here and play two good games and have nothing to show for it. But we'll just have to win at home -- turn it into a homer (series).