Rodney Dangerfield
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"Rodney Dangerfield" (born "Jacob Rodney Cohen", November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004) was an American comedian and actor, known for the catchphrase "I don't get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme. He is also remembered for his 1980s film roles, especially in Easy Money (1983 film)/Easy Money, Caddyshack, and Back to School.

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I was such an ugly kid - When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look ... twins!

A girl phoned me the other day and said 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.