Stephen Colbert
FameRank: 9

"Chuck Noblet" in

Strangers with Candy

"Stephen Colbert (character)/Stephen Colbert" in

The Daily Show & The Colbert Report

"Author" of

I Am America (And So Can You!) & America Again/America Again: Re-becoming the Greatness We Never Weren't

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If you enjoy these quotes, be sure to check out other famous comedians! More Stephen Colbert on Wikipedia.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

Like O'Reilly, we'll grab the most important word out of every sentence, ... `The,' for example. Also, I'll say, `I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, `Colbert angry.'

Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.

I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell.

He's the master, ... It's admirable. I watch him with my mouth open and think, 'How does he do it?' If I could only have a scrap of that. If only I could take all filters off my mouth, it would be so great.

Equations are the devil's sentences.

Jon always said 'The Daily Show' has no political impact, ... We're going to go ahead and pick up that gauntlet and change the world!

We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in 'reality.' And reality has a well known liberal bias.

As natural as a gorilla beating his chest.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I don't think he's necessarily a Republican or Democrat, ... He is part of the `Blame America Last' crowd. Mostly, he just wants to get those bastards -- whoever they are. They know who they are, and they know they're going to get gotten.

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday -- no matter what happened Tuesday.

Lemme just talk to you for a second about something that I think is good for America: caramel apples, ... I had one last night. Delicious. Not talking about candy apples. I think candy apples are a danger! You crack 'em, they're very sharp. You candy apple crowd need to wake up!