Woody Allen
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"Heywood "Woody" Allen" is an American actor, writer, director, comedian, musician, and playwright whose career spans more than 50 years.

He worked as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, Allen began performing as a stand-up comic, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comic, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful wikt:nebbish/nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality. In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Allen in fourth place on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comics, while a UK survey ranked Allen as the third greatest comedian.

By the mid-1960s Allen was writing and directing films, first specializing in slapstick comedies before moving into dramatic material influenced by European art cinema during the 1970s. He is often identified as part of the New Hollywood wave of filmmakers of the mid-1960s to late '70s. Allen often stars in his films, typically in the persona he developed as a standup. Some best-known of his over 40 films are Annie Hall (1977), Manhattan (film)/Manhattan (1979), Hannah and Her Sisters (1986), and Midnight in Paris (2011). Critic Roger Ebert described Allen as "a treasure of the cinema."

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Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Miscellaneous methods of Civil Disobedience: Standing in front of City Hall and chanting the word 'pudding' until one's demands are met. Phoning members of the 'establishment' and singing 'Bess, You Is My Woman Now' into the phone. Dressing as a policeman and then skipping. Pretending to be an artichoke but punching people as they pass.

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7', it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

The only difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's fantastic ...

The wicked at heart probably know something.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Thought: why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I don't want to become immortal through my work, I want to become immortal through not dying.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. The horrible would be terminal cases, blind people, criples. The miserable is everyone else. When you go through life you should be thankful that you're miserable.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.