Steven Wright
FameRank: 6

"Academy Award for Live Action Short Film/Best Short Film, Live Action"

1988 The Appointments of Dennis Jennings



"Steven Alexander Wright" is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of irony/ironic, Philosophy#Contemporary philosophy (c. 1900 – present)/philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, anti-humor, and one-liner joke/one-liners with contrived situations.

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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I bought some powdered water yesterday. I don't know what to add.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said 'I thought I told you to go to sleep.'

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'