Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.

Composers should write tunes that chauffeurs and errand boys can whistle.

A musicologist is a man who can read music but can't hear it.

Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it.

All the arts in America are a gigantic racket run by unscrupulous men for unhealthy women.

There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.

The function of music is to release us from the tyranny of conscious thought.

Try everything once except folk dancing and incest.

If an opera cannot be played by an organ grinder, it's not going to achieve immortality.

Most of them sound like they live on seaweed.

The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.

I have just been all round the world and have formed a very poor opinion of it.

Movie music is noise... even more painful than my sciatica.