I have no luck with women. I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection. She pulled a switchblade on me.

299

What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.

239

Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.

215

They say God has existed from the beginning of time and will exist beyond the end of time. Can you imagine trying to sit through his home movies?

214

I'm a terrible lover. I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

178

There's only one thing wrong with wife swapping. You get another wife.

173

Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.

161

I only date stewardesses. Or maybe it just seems that way. Women always seem to be showing me the exits.

141

I once dated a girl on the track team. It didn't work out. She kept giving me the runaround.

38