I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left.
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65 I had cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways -- I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
'Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?' 'That's true.' 'Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?' 'That's true.' 'Is it true that you still surround yourself with beautiful young women?' 'That's true.' 'What does your doctor say about all of this?' 'My doctor is dead.'
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Age to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
How can I die? I'm booked.
Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.
I'd go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.