Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

Weh I was a kid I prayed every night for a bike until I figured out that that's not the way that God works, so I stole a bike and then asked him for forgiveness.

Women! Ya can't live with 'em and ya can't get 'em to wear skimpy little Nazi outfits.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.