Calvin Trillin
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"Calvin Marshall Trillin" is an American journalist, humorist, food writer, poet, memoirist and novelist.

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When it comes to Chinese food I have always operated under the policy that the less known about the preparation the better. A wise diner who is invited to visit the kitchen replies by saying, as politely as possible, that he has a pressing engagement elsewhere.

As far as I'm concerned, "whom" is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

There is no question that Rumanian-Jewish food is heavy. One meal is equal in heaviness, I would guess, to eight or nine years of steady mung-bean eating.

I don't care where I sit, as long as I get fed.

Health food makes me sick.

The food in such places is so tasteless because the members associate spices and garlic with just the sort of people they're trying to keep out.

Even today, well-brought-up English girls are taught by their mothers to boil all veggies for at least a month and a half, just in case one of the dinner guests turns up without his teeth.

Marriage is not merely sharing the fettucini, but sharing the burden of finding the fettucini restaurant in the first place.

Before I go out to take a picture of someone, I just stop at the city desk and say, 'Do you want him gazing out toward the sunset or picking his nose?'

Following the Jewish tradition, a dispenser of schmaltz (liquid chicken fat) is kept on the table to give the vampires heartburn if they get through the garlic defense.

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

The average trade book has a shelf life of between milk and yogurt, except for books by any member of the Irving Wallace family - they have preservatives.

I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.

Marriage is part of a sort of 50's revival package that's back in vogue along with neckties and naked ambition.

In modern America, anyone who attempts to write satirically about the events of the day finds it difficult to concoct a situation so bizarre that it may not actually come to pass while the article is still on the presses.

Following the Rumanian tradition, garlic is used in excess to keep the vampires away.

The question about those aromatic advertisements that perfume companies are having stitched into magazines these days is this: under the freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment, is smelling up the place a constitutionally protected form of expression?