In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
"Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce" was an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, Fable/fabulist, and Satire/satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce".
Despite his reputation as a searing critic, Bierce was known to encourage younger writers, including poet George Sterling and fiction writer W. C. Morrow. Bierce employed a distinctive style of writing, especially in his stories. His style often embraces an abrupt beginning, dark imagery, vague references to time, limited descriptions, impossible events and the theme of war.
In 1913, Bierce traveled to Mexico to gain first-hand experience of the Mexican Revolution. While traveling with rebel troops, missing persons/he disappeared without a trace.
If you enjoy these quotes, be sure to check out other famous journalists! More Ambrose Bierce on Wikipedia.Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion.
DANGER, n. A savage beast which, when it sleeps, Man girds at and despises, But takes himself away by leaps And bounds when it arises. Ambat Delaso.
CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.
COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient. This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of.
HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.
UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. Said a man to a crapulent youth: 'I thought You a total abstainer, my son.' 'So I am, so I am,' said the scrapgrace caught - 'But not, sir, a bigoted one.' .
BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the means of all.
EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The Lunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes directl.
MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. We plunder.
NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.
SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it 'led them to the devil' it is seen at its best: The wheels go round without a sound -- The maidens hold high revel; In sinful mood, insanely gay, True spinsters spin adown the way From d.
HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. 'The Hebrews are heathens!' says Howison. He's A Christian philosopher. I'm A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Addicted too much to the crime Of religious discussion in my .
LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric.
PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.
REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.
ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of state policy miscarried conspicuously it was .
EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.
MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.
PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his pride of distinction.
LAW, n. Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 'Clear out!' he cried, 'disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear, 'Tis plain your have no standing here.' Then Justice came. His Honor cried: '_Your_ status? -- devil seize you!' '_Amica curiae,_' she replied -- 'Friend of the court, s.
RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to affirm his worth.
Happiness, noun. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. Judibras.
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to the despotism of himself. He was a slave: at word he went and came; His iron collar cut him to the bone. Then Liberty erased his owner's name, Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. G.J.
GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race.
REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.
Mad, adj: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. 'O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing,' the White Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. John Lukkus.
HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues that he does not respect secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises.
MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon -- that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. The man who writes in Saxon Is the man to use an ax on.
RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage. 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed A true renunciation Of title, rank and every kind Of military station -- Each honorable station. By his example fired -- inclined To noble emulation, The country humbly was resigned To Leonard's resig.
STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. 'Mr. Pollard,' said he, 'my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of .
Lawsuit n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth. Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, And ever for the sins of man have wept; And sometimes kneeling in the temple I Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. Junker Barlow.
CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.
FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either. Freedom, as every schoolboy knows.
KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for 'bliss.' It is supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.
MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it. We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, And take some special measure for .
Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious discoveries and possessions.
GREAT, adj. 'I'm great,' the Lion said -- 'I reign The monarch of the wood and plain!' The Elephant replied: 'I'm great -- No quadruped can match my weight!' 'I'm great -- no animal has half So long a neck!' said the Giraffe. 'I'm great,' the Kangaroo said -- 'see My femoral muscularity!' The 'Possum said: 'I'm great -- behold, .
HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage.
OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word _simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his model _Simia audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the ape that howls. The actor apes a man -- at least in shape; .
WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride.
Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others.
BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva - a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty. O Brahma.
EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower rank to whom his death would give promotion.
HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they can not.
HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.
PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. The editor of an English magazine having received a letter pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed 'Perfection,' promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: 'I don't agree with you,' and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.
PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence.
WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff palatable.
ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.
ALONE, adj. In bad company. In contact, lo! the flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thought reveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone. Booley Fito.
DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep.
LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system -- an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare.
R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in pulvis_.
TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. 'You need and immediate change of diet,' he said; 'you must eat six ounces of pork every other day.' 'Pork?' shrieked the patient -- 'pork? Nothing shall induce.
CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ - whereby he was pleased to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ - 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;' as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. The bones of Agammemnon are a show, And ruined is his royal monument, but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments 'to the unknown dead' -- that is to say, monuments to per.
OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his appetite. His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva's temple walls, Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, And marks his appetite's abuse. Averil J.
PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. O, what's the loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease? 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing The horrors of peace. Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- Would marry it, too. If only they knew how to do it 'Twere easy to do. They're worki.
BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.
LOGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge.
MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society. By misdemeanors he essays to climb Into the aristocracy of crime. O, woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand 'Captains of industry' refused his hand, 'Kings of finance' denied him recognition And 'railway magnates'.
RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously known.
CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness.
EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself. A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free - The subject engaging them was she. 'I think,' said one, 'and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!' As soon as no more of it she could .
HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong crime.
ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be conceded hereafter. A spelling reformer indicted For fudge was before the court cicted. The judge said: 'En.
OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets. I climbed to the top of a mountain one day To see the sun setting in glory, And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, Of a perfectly splendid story. 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode Till the strengt.
PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future delivery.
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts - guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.
ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost.
BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables - those that are not good to eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill- smelling.
DIE, n. The singular of 'dice.' We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, 'Never say die.' At long intervals, however, some one says: 'The die is cast,' which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew: A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibblin.
ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.
EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate penalties the law of moderation. Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, To thee in worship do I bend the knee Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree With reason .
INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam. Two theologues once, as they wended the.
MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important. Material things I know, or fell, or see; All else is immaterial to me. Jamrach Holobom.
ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. 'Once there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues.' Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to continue. 'That,' he said, 'is the story.'
VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. They say that hens do cackle loudest when There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; And there are hens, professing to have made A study of mankind, who say that men Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen Make the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work; and .
WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call To battle: 'The brokers are parasites all!' Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll n.
AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. _Facilis descensus Averni,_ The poet remarks; and the sense Of i.
CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. In controversy with the facile tongue - That bloodless warfare of the old and young - So seek your adversary to engage That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, With his own fangs inflict the fatal .
ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth by the early Christians - may their souls be happy in Heaven!
ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in our time.
FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the pen.
POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 'I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,' said Brillat- Savarin, beginning an anecdote. 'What!' interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating dinner in a drawing-room?' 'I must beg you to observe, monsieur,' explained the great gastronome, 'that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but .
ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.
EXCOMMUNICATION, n. This 'excommunication' is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal -- A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. Gat Huckle.
GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain -- the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A.
OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury.
SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. Better late than before anybody has invited you. Example is better than .
BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters - the most difficult kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.
CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. There is a land of pure delight, Beyond the Jordan's flood, Where saints, apparelled all in white, Fling back the critic's mud. And as he legs it through the skies, His pelt a sable hue, He sorrows sore to recognize The missiles that he threw. .
DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.
MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.
ONCE, adv. Enough.
QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. He extracted from his quiver, Did the controversial Roman, An argument well fitted To the question as submitted, Then addressed it to the liver, Of the unpersuaded foeman. Oglum P. Boomp.
RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public libraries by gift or bequest.
TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to his accounting: Of such tenacity his grip Tha.
ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.
DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.
FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about. Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day to Dumble: 'Ignorance should be more humble. Not a spark have you of knowledge That was got in any college.' Dumble said to Mumble: '.
PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.
PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.
UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.
ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward He went away exclaiming: 'O my Lord!' 'What do you want?' the Lord asked, bending down. 'An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown.' Jum Coople.
BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.
EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.
LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had influence at court. (_Vide supra._).
PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution -- they knew no more of the matter than he.
PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited 'the Void' and to have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy.
ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn. 'Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,' Consenting, he did speak up; ''Tis better you should eat it, pet, Than put it in my teacup.' Joel Huck.
CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's approval of a course of action already decided on.
CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance.
EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.
MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.
QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil.
AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.
BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched form the egg of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave.
EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is also much used in cases of extreme poverty.
GORGON, n. The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That looked upon her awful brow. We dig them out of ruins now, And swear that workmanship so bad Proves all the ancient sculptors mad.
HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted it.
ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.
OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments.
REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation.
Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained in these Olympian games: His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives they were a rebuke, represented them.
DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust. 'Chief Deputy,' the Master cried, 'To-day the books are to be tried By experts and accountants w.
IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.
LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.
ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. Borey the Bald.
UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and Kant, who lived in a horse. His understanding was so keen That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, He could interpret without fail If he was in or out of jail.
VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit.
VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.
COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff.
JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.
KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief.
PICKANINNY, n. The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.
PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.
RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself.
RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise.
HERS, pron. His.
PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians -- who are Hogmies.
SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cut stones. The devil casting a seine of lace, (With precious stones 'twas weighted) Drew it into the landing place And its contents calculated. All souls of wom.
TWICE, adv. Once too often.
PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.
RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.
Lawyer, n. One skilled in the circumvention of the law.
ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.
FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. To Rome said Nero: 'If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn.' To Nero Rome replied: 'Pray do your worst, 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first.' Orm Pludge.
FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals.
IMPROBABILITY, n. His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice averred 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who spake never a word, But sat as mum As i.
MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government.
NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of the opposition.
PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus. He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak tree. He'd traveled in a foreign land. He tried to make her understand The dance that's called the Saraband, But he called it Scarabee. He had called it so through an afternoon, And she, the light of his harem if so might be, Had smiled and said.
War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Genius - To know without having learned; to draw just conclusions from unknown premises; to discern the soul of things.
ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.
CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the disgrace before meat. _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the justice and expediency of which many worthy persons - including all the assassins - entertain grave misgivings.
ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. So wide his erudition's mighty span, He knew Creation's origin and plan And only came by accident to grief -- He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. Romach Pute.
KNIGHT, n. Once a warrior gentle of birth, Then a person of civic worth, Now a fellow to move our mirth. Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more: We must knight our dogs to get any lower. Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. God speed t.
MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.
NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded.
ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment.
BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can. A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures. Henry Ward Beecher.
LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns. Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown, So that I might forget his last And hear your own. Gargo Repsky.
PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.
PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden. Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where every prospect pleases, Save only that of death. Bishop Sheber.
RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. 'What is your religion my son?' inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. 'Pardon, monseigneur,' replied Rochebriant; 'I am ashamed of it.' 'Then why do you not become an atheist?' 'Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism.' 'In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants.'
ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words _Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.
EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends.
HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -- _cunctationes illuminati_.
MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism.
PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope.
RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave.
TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.
TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: TO MY PET TORTOISE My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. As to your feet, they'd make.
Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.
LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced them tight To a very remarkable height -- Higher, indeed, than I think he ought -- Higher than _can_ be right. For the Bible declares -- but never mind: It is hardly fit To censure freely and fault to find With other.
MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been disclosed by the manufacturers. There was a youth (you've heard before, This woeful tale, may be), Who bought .
MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to the development of our language.
MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both.
PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called 'trousers' by the enlightened and 'pants' by the unworthy.
SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, 'John A. Joyce.' The bard who would prosper must carry a book, Do his thinking in prose and wear A .
ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. II.
BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other.
INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again.
MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot.
OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase 'occasional verses,' which are verses written for an 'occasion,' such as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to irregular recurrence.
POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines.
REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide. This is a truth, as old as the hills, That life and experience teach: The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, An impediment of his reach. G.J.
TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors and public enemies.
AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.
ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of blood. Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging chief and said: 'Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!' Mary Doke.
PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought.
PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in preparing it.
PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it do nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, 'soaring swine.').
SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the hoisting apparatus. Once I seen a human ruin In an elevator-well, And his members was bestrewin' All the place where he had fell. And I says, apostrophisin' That uncommon woful wreck: 'Your position's so surprisin'.
ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman.
NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. Juno drank a cup of nectar, But the draught did not affect her. Juno drank a cup of rye -- Then she bad herself good-bye. J.G.
UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors - to dislodge the worms.
AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to. 'Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?' She tenderly inquired. 'An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; The fact is - I have fired.' G.J.
ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. Arbely C. Strunk.
EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had read 'The Exile of Erin,' replied: 'No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it.' Years afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he had kept at the time of his .
ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.
ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.
HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of .
RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting them. In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the improduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talking exercise: What, what! Dom Pedro, you.
YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer. Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and clows fly over, delive.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call 'war' and 'commerce.' These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.
RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.
RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, The sound surceases and the sense expires. Then the domestic dog, to east and west, Expounds the passions burning in his breast. The rising moon o'er that enchanted land Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. Mowbray Myles.
TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.
APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.
PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.
ALLEGIANCE, n. This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. G.J.
BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is performed with water in two ways - by immersion, or plunging, and by aspersion, or sprinkling. But whether the plan of immersion Is better than simple aspersion Let those immersed And those aspersed Decide by the Authorized Versi.
ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar.
FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of passion; And straight his courtiers all did try To follow the new fashion. Each dropped one eyelid when before The throne he ventured, thinking 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore He'd slay them all for winking. What should they.
FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude.
MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.
PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection.
CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex.
LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success. 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. Alas! we cannot know if this is true, For reading Milton's wit w.
LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it.
OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book. 'Old books? The devil take them!' Goby said. 'Fresh every day must be my books and bread.' Nature herself approves the Goby rule And gives us every moment a fresh fool. .
REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own.
TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of 'every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented' -- in brief, all the Socialists of Judah.
CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else. An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. 'Pauillac, 1873,' he murmured and died.
FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.
NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending.
RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.
RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of a disagreeable expectation. Altgeld upon his incandescend bed Lay, an attendant demon at his head. 'O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- Some respite from .
RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious writers of the fifteenth century -- commonly, indeed, regarded as the founder of the Fastidiotic School.
SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will indubitable be damned.
BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box of berries in a market - the fine ones on top - have been opened on the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.
DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles -- particularly when he didn't lead.
OTHERWISE, adv. No better.
PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence. 'There is no art,' says Shakespeare, foolish man, 'To read the mind's construction in the face.' The physiognomists his portrait scan, And say: 'How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face disclo.
POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.
CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! The godly multitudes walked to and fro Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, With pious mien, .
CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas.
KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man. The pig is taught by sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. Judibras.
T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdly called _tau_. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified _Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, 'tanglefoot.'
ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.
KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.
QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.
RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked why. 'Because,' 'twas answered, 'others lack His skill to scratch the royal back.' Aramis Jukes.
SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century. When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. So.
TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. The man who taketh a steam bath He loseth all the skin he hath, And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling With dirty vapors of the boiling. Richard Gwow.
CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut.
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