I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

393

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

363

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

362

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

354

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

351

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

321

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

257

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

241