27 Ellen DeGeneres Quotes @Quotio

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

248

Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others.

245

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

231

I was coming home from kindergarten--well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

225

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

221

I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. 'Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2.'

185

The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.

176

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

174

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said 'God Bless you' I said, 'I didn't sneeze' She looked deep into my eyes and said, 'You will, eventually.' And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

170

Why should I pay strangers to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?

167

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

166

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

160

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

157

They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over.

151

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

148

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

147

You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.

144

We use 10 percent of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60 percent.

138

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

136

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

133

For me, it's that I contributed, ... That I'm on this planet doing some good and making people happy. That's to me the most important thing, that my hour of television is positive and upbeat and an antidote for all the negative stuff going on in life.

123

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.

115

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away.

"I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut up...blah blah blah blah blaaaaah."

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

27 Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

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