MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages.
"Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce" was an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, Fable/fabulist, and Satire/satirist. He wrote the short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and compiled a satirical lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters", and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work, all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce".
Despite his reputation as a searing critic, Bierce was known to encourage younger writers, including poet George Sterling and fiction writer W. C. Morrow. Bierce employed a distinctive style of writing, especially in his stories. His style often embraces an abrupt beginning, dark imagery, vague references to time, limited descriptions, impossible events and the theme of war.
In 1913, Bierce traveled to Mexico to gain first-hand experience of the Mexican Revolution. While traveling with rebel troops, missing persons/he disappeared without a trace.
If you enjoy these quotes, be sure to check out other famous journalists! More Ambrose Bierce on Wikipedia.RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem.
CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.
INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me insure it. HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the time when, according to the tables of your actuary, it will pro.
COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.
COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.
DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.
GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.
IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.
PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.
POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When we wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. Alas, things ain't what we should see If Eve had let that apple be; And many a feller which had ought To set with monarchses of thought, Or play some rosy little game With battle-.
RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for precious metals in the pocket of a fool.
RICHES, n. A gift from Heaven signifying, 'This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.' John D. Rockefeller The reward of toil and virtue. J.P. Morgan The sayings of many in the hands of one. Eugene Debs To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels that he can add nothing of va.
SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a wit without a capital of sense.
TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility. Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, Took Madam P. to table, And there deliriously fed As fast as he was able. 'I dote upon good grub,' he cried, Intent upon its throatage. 'Ah, yes,' said the neglected bride, 'You're in your _table d'hotage_.' .
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.
MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is The meekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription, But M is for Moses Who slew the Egyptian. _The Biographical Alphabet_.
REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter.
TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.
CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by _him_ to C.
HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools. Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. Salder Bupp.
INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. 'You tiresome man!' cried Indolentio's wife, 'You've grown indifferent to all in life.' 'Indifferent?' he drawled with a slow smile; 'I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.' Apuleius M. Gokul.
MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.
MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But 'mousquetaire' is a might poor way to spell muskeeter.
PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.
GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows the reddest, The noblest place for man to die -- Is where he died the deadest. (Old play).
GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the world and the inside. Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, In passing thence along the river Zam To the adjacent village of Xelam, Bewildered by the multitude of roads, Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, Then from exposure miserab.
KEEP, v.t. He willed away his whole estate, And then in death he fell asleep, Murmuring: 'Well, at any rate, My name unblemished I shall keep.' But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught. Durang Gophel Arn.
NEGRO, n. The _piece de resistance_ in the American political problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to build their equation thus: 'Let n = the white man.' This, however, appears to give an unsatisfactory solution.
REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. 'More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!' So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew Beneath his hand the leg-long 'interview.' Barson Maith.
SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians.
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, One day with all his credentials came To the capitol's door and announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the eminent egotist, And said: 'Go away, for we settle here All m.
KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus 'the most pious Edward' of England used to lay his royal hand upon the ailing subjects and make them whole -- a crowd of wretched souls That stay his cure: their malady convinces The great essay of art; but at his touch, Such sanctity hath H.
LINEN, n. 'A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp.' -- Calcraft the Hangman.
MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. So plain the advantages of machination It constitutes a moral obligation, And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. So prospers still the diplomatic art, And Satan bows, with hand upon .
OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock.
HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed to the fury of the customs.
LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, And pick with care the disobedient wire. That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. I bide my time, .
RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear freedom, keeping off the grass.
SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor. As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased To fix itself upon a part diseased Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, So the base sycophant with joy descries His neighbor's wea.
Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.
ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.
ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.
ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.
APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.
PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general fatigue.
SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast You keep a record true Of every kind of p.
WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as humane as is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing .
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student. Beside a lonely grave I stood -- With brambles 'twas encumbered; The winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered, A rustic standing near, I said: 'He cannot hear it blowing!' ''Course not,' said he: 'the feller's dead -- He can't hear nowt .
ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. Consigned by way of admonition, His soul forever to perdition. Judibras.
DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command. His right to govern me is clear as day, My duty manifest to disobey; And if that fit observance e'er I shut May I and duty be alike undone. Israfel Brown.
PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. 'Persevere, persevere!' cry the homilists all, Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. 'Remember the fable of tortoise and hare -- The one at the goal while the other is -- where?' Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the peac.
UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife.
Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.
DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.
DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.
NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.
NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. .
OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant 'own,' and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities.
PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.
PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.
SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues. John Elmer Pettibone Cajee (I write of him with little glee) Was just as bad as he could be. 'Twas frequently remarked: 'I swon! The sun has never looked upon So bad a man as Neighbo.
DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.
REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.
Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. _The Unauthorized Version_.
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.
LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death.
DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for failure.
NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it.
SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. 'There is one favor that I should like to ask,' said he. 'Name it.' 'Man, I understand, is about .
CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.
CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to the show business. There are two kinds of camels - the camel proper and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.
IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.
CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet - two clarionets.
HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his normal purges and emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most just discrimination founded Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. Then, hav.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience.
OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the doer had when he performed it.
HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquil disaffection chews his coat While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint Th.
IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.
INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: 'Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God.'
PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God.
YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we owe one of the most illuminating words in our language -- a word that defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. A thousand apologies for withholding it.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other - which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of a dog.
HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.
SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. All things are either sacred or profane. The former .
ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. 'My accountability, bear in mind,' Said the Grand Vizier: 'Yes, yes,' Said the Shah: 'I do - 'tis the only kind Of ability you possess.' Joram Tate.
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set. A leaf was riven from a tree, 'I mean to fall to earth,' said he. The west wind, rising, made him veer. 'Eastward,' said he, 'I now shall steer.' The east wind rose with greater force. Said he: ''Twere wise to change my course.' With equal power they conten.
IMPUNITY, n. Wealth.
INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.
PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.
PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude.
RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.
SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.
Impiety, noun. Your irreverence toward my deity.
HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -- 'Hypochondriasis.' It meant The Dumps. Bogul S. Purvy.
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.
MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property.
YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age. But yesterday I should have thought me blest To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak Of middle life and look adown the bleak And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, Where solemn shadows all the land invest And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak Unfinished prophecy, and witch.
DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: 'O tempora! O mores!' It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach pronunciatio.
MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, attainments or services more or less authentic. It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of the medal, he replied: 'I save lives sometimes.' And sometimes he didn't.
OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as 'unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous.' And the good prelate was ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.
WHITE, adj. and n. Black.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem.
LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting show for man's disillusion given. The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: 'Give me, I pray, thy wonderful m.
RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls 'external coexistences,' as Satan 'squat like a toad' at the ear of Eve, responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff.
ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.
ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.
COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a brotherhood of awful examples. O Coenobite, O coenobite, Monastical gregarian, You differ from the anchorite, That solitudinarian: With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; With dropping shots he makes him sick. Quin.
FOLLY, n. That 'gift and faculty divine' whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns his life. Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once In a thick volume, and all authors known, If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, .
RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.
ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. One day a wag - what would the wretch be at? - Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, And said it was a god's name! Straight arose Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, And disputations dire that lamed.
BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. Let us dissemble. Adam.
LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.
LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.
MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.
EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.
FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Done to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famous aspired. Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, And his twistings are greatly admired. Hassan Brubuddy.
OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser 'triumph.' In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place. 'I had an ovation!' the actor man said, But I thought it uncommonly queer, That peo.
YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. (See DAMNYANK.)
INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.
RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head and a bank account.
HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. 'Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?' Says the priest. 'Since the time 'o yer wooin' She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- For it's naught ye are ever doin'.' 'That's true of yer Riverence [sic],' Patrick replies, And no sign of contrition envices; 'But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implie.
PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -- and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President. If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater To have been a simple and undamned spectator. Behold in me a man of mark and note Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! -- An undiscredited.
SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.
SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.)
There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.
SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side.
MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.
QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. When ignorance from out of our lives can banish Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. Juan Smith.
URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, 'I beg your pardon,' and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others. The owner of a powder mill Was musing on a distant hill -- Something his mind foreboded -- When from the cloudless sky there fell A .
HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- outang.
NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.
WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.
ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.
PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern 'small hot bird.'
CUI BONO? [Latin] What good would that do _me_?
RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_.
ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to concessions. Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met to consider it. 'O servant of the Prophet,' said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, 'how many unconquerable soldiers have we in arms?' 'Upholder of the Faith,' that dignitary replied after examining his m.
MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden. (From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, an Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) He zedjagged so uncomen wyde Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; So, to com saufly thruh, I been Constreynet for to doodge betwene. Munwele.
BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and answered, absently: 'When it is ajar,' and threw himself from a high p.
UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility.
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated. Intent on making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible of Brewer, Then made a solemn vow that we would be Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me! Stumpo Gaker.
RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power.
To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.
EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification from the senses.
PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, 'He presided at the piccolo.' The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with a solemn face: 'The music was very uncommonly grand -- The best that was every provided, For our townsman Brown presided At the organ with skil.
REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a 'copy,' which is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful than it looks.
ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.
HASH, x. There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what hash is.
Christian, n. One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican America.
REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.
Every time Europe looks across the Atlantic to see the American eagle, it observes only the rear end of an ostrich.
GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.
PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity.
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
TRUCE, n. Friendship.
Faith, noun. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.
GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to be blowing.
MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador.
ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. -Oliver Cromwell.
BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.
MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been particularly happy afterward.
ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.
PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.
MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. As Death was a-rising out one day, Across Mount Camel he took his way, Where he met a mendicant monk, Some three or four quarters drunk, With a holy leer and a pious grin, Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, Who held out his hands and cried: 'Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. Give.
JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a 'crowned head,' although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester: 'If I were you and you were I My moments merrily would fly -- Nor care nor grief to pester.' 'The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,' The fool said -.
MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner.
ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly.
ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection of another. To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears? But woman's body is the woman. O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said: A woman.
ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.
DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback.
CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.
Conservative. noun. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from a liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.
POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others.
MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. When the world was young and Man was new, And everything was pleasant, .
PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner. Judibras.
APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider. When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth Disease for the apothecary's health, Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: 'My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!' .
GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
INSECTIVORA, n. 'See,' cries the chorus of admiring preachers, 'How Providence provides for all His creatures!' 'His care,' the gnat said, 'even the insects follows: For us He has provided wrens and swallows.' Sempen Railey.
BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.
SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.
WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.
EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that, Who showed us life as all should live it; Let that be said -- and God forgive it!
OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. How lonely he who thinks to vex With bandinage the Solemn Sex! Of levity, Mere Man, beware; None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. Percy P. Orminder.
GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in 'dialect' and humor in slang. We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what draws his laughter We know his Hereafter. Read nothing, laugh never -- The Sphinx was less clever! Jupiter Muke.
AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.
HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods.
PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting Presence.
RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect.
REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.
BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black.
REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm.
HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.
Clergyman, n. - A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his temporal ones.
GRAPE, n. Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy praise is ever on the tongue Of better men than I am. The lyre in my hand has never swept, The song I cannot offer: My humbler service pray accept -- I'll help to kill the scoffer. The water-drinkers and the cranks Who load their skins with liquor -- I'll gl.
PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.
RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.
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