"Alan Whitney Brown" is a writer and comedian best known for work on Saturday Night Live in the 1980s. In addition to writing for the program, he appeared opposite Dennis Miller in a biting satirical Weekend Update commentary segment called "The Big Picture." He won a 1988 Emmy Award for Outstanding Writing in a Variety or Music Program, along with Al Franken, Tom Davis (comedian)/Tom Davis, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Lorne Michaels and Conan O'Brien. He was also one of the original correspondents on Comedy Central/Comedy Central's The Daily Show from 1996 to 1998.

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

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A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.

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The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'

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There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you.

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I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.

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The past actually happened but history is only what someone wrote down.

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Waterboarding - that's what America does to its prisoners now. Dunking them in water until they confess. Of course, you have to remember - we uncovered a lot of witches that way. So, credit where credit is due.

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My Grandmother told me that there was a passage in the bible that says, "It is better to spill your seed in the belly of a whore, than to spill it on the ground." So, I tried both. And the bible's right! It's way better. That's one of the reasons they call it the good book.

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That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

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